Fuck off, I’m trying to get better.
… as I yell this to my kid who is walking in to use my bathroom (the other 2 in the house were occupied?). I was currently on a live conference call with my therapist (yep, that’s right, I’ve been in chosen therapy for over a year now.. one, sometimes twice a week).. I’m yelling this at my kid because this is a choice. Therapy has been thrust upon me, asked of me, assumed of me, assigned to me, threatened, obligated, i’m sure we all can come up with a litany of other words and relative verbs and adjectives to describe hell….. but the word TRYING is different. Our sessions together are not always super deep, sometimes they are just about stories of the past, how I feel in the present moment, maybe even a bitch session about a kid that is not behaving the way I think they “should” (should is a bad word in my house as well as name calling).
Yesterday’s session was a day of clarity, not that I’m anymore clear today on what to do with my time, how to “be” or go about the various thing on our neverending lists… but it was a about COVID fatigue. I’m a yoga teacher, I move energy, I teach people how to deal with this shit. How am I the one to be feeling this? Oh.. its real and I’m in the thick of it. How we know we are in the thick of it? When we can’t even see it… When blame no longer even goes to others.. its turned inward. The self-shame is so deep I do nothing right and continue to stare at the clothes at the bottom of the stairs that are bagged, ready to be taken to various places (yes, the closet clean-out clean up has not been completed) but yet just sit there, staring at me, allowing the shame to flow over my soul 20x a day…. and i’m allowing it. I’m doing it to myself. There are many ways out of it.. but yet I do none of them.. This is the fatigue…. this is the stuck. I can see it in literally every area of my life right now. and now here is the real clencher…. I want to leave the clothes there.. just to remind me that i suck, its a badge of some kind, a reminder that.. “see, you really can’t follow through, you really can’t do hard things, it’s all been a lie”…
No my friends… the lie is just that…. a lie.
The truth is… I can ask for help.
The truth is… I can put the bags in my car and drop them off at the thrift store and be done with it (and not dispense all the things to all the 20 people that I think will like this dress or this shirt, just so I can feel good about spending money on stuff I never used.)
The truth is…. I am not what my brain tells me I am in this moment…. I’m better,