Guilt

In my reading this morning, she spoke of guilt as a tool. Shit all this time i thought it was an emotion to endure. This idea has never occurred to me. I’ve always felt it. the brain, well my brain does not shut off. Really, does not shut off… 4am,, it started. and the class does not even start till 5:45. now i like having my quiet time in the morning. its suggested my many great men and women through history to spend time gathering our thoughts, puttering per say. Although guilt always finds a crack in the door. If im cleaning the sink, my brain says, you might as well clean the countertop, and then the countertops have crap all over then, might as well put all that away… see where im going.. and all that is riddled with guilt, because now, I've cut my “time” short. I’ve just given it away.

If I take the definition this morning to heart. When the feeling hits.. its a stop sign. to redirect. to turn back to the original plan. I know for a fact there will be time to clean the sink later. I will not have this time to myself until tomorrow morning… and that will be another day entirely. I will have missed what was to be in this moment. The sink does not care.