Do we go deep enough
When a person takes on a task and assumes responsibility for not only the task but the outcome of said task….
Do I let them? Do I even have the ability to let them? How do I behave? Is there “a look” that rushes over my face telling this person they will suck and don’t even try? How honest is honest? Can I go deep enough to find the answer? Hell, do I even want to….. the answer today is yes.
My initial response to the question……… Fear the task will not be done correctly
the sick and twisted : Fear (insert any human (but especially those in my home)) they will never be able to do it themselves, fearful they will fail or even further that when it’s done I’ll have to pick up the pieces and even further than that….. I will not get the credit or receive something out of the result or or or or….. the super-duper sick and twisted truth…. I will be forgotten.
Anyone that has truly embraced a spiritual path understands at some point it becomes stale. What worked yesterday no longer works today. And it doesn’t happen overnight. I’ve been stuck the past couple years. Stuck in an extremely selfish space.. kinda left hanging with the notion. “Selfish and self-centered that is the root of our problem”. I was ready to take that notion even further. To not stop with what i would call self-judgement, but tiptoe, fuck it throw myself into the deep end of the pool. I’m dead tired of feeling ashamed.
My teaching had left me with not getting what I want or/and not having enough… but why? …. because it’s not the full story. Deep inside I knew this…. my full story is a 3 year old left at the top of the stairs, ready to jump, ready to leap, ready to know what is beyond, because life was too hard and things would be easier if I just was not….. not….. and every single thing I do say, think, act all goes back to the little girl at the top of the stairs. yes… you read that correctly. Age 3 was the first time I remember thinking it was all too much. I felt too much. (the story of an empath is gnarly)
Today, as a grown-ass adult I am still that little girl. It takes all my courage to tell my kids that they can do it as I walk away. To cheer them on without attempting to buy their love. To let them fail as I close the curtain and get in the bath. To leave the dishes in the sink, the trash cans not put to the curb, and the kitty litter not changed as I leave to take a class. I will no longer leave that little girl at the top of the stairs. I will dig deep to give my girls the opportunity to see what is feels like to fail, to be held when they do, to say I love you… mean it.. although still not fix it for them.
….. so much to learn. about truth. about love. about worthiness…. about life……. it’s a full circle and the circle will not end... ever, until we go through our own process to not only notice the child at the top of the stairs, but to take her hand and gently, slowly, compassionastly, show her there is a different way.